Holding on with My Fingernails

At the end of our rope; by the skin of my teeth; only a breath away...All of these sayings give you the impression it's not by much that one is holding on. I think of the poster I've seen where a kitten is clawing desperately to the end of a rope with this crazed look in her eyes as if to say I hope my little claws will hold me to this rope so I don't plummet to my death. This is how I have been feeling the last several weeks, this past week in particular. As you know, my husband resigned in November from the church he had been ministering in for almost 3 years. We left behind a lot of grief, hurt, pain and abuse. We knew it was time to go, we knew the Lord had released us, and we knew it was time to go THEN. We were, and still are, confident of all these things. And yet, we're still here, waiting for a job for my husband. We figured we'd have a good idea where we'd be headed by the time the baby came--end of March. We're no closer now than we were then. We've said "no" to 3 churches, knowing full well it was the right decision. One church we were quite interested in due to the proximity to our families told us no. However, we were OK with that because we needed to tell them no if given the opportunity. And so, here we sit. We figured by the time my maternity leave was up we'd either be moved, or at the very least, in the process of moving to our new home. My maternity leave is done June 16 and we are still nowhere close to knowing what God has for us. And so we wait. The longer we wait the more discouraged we become. We try to put up a good front to people, to our families, to each other, but the truth is we're hanging on by our fingernails, and they're quickly giving way. I feel like that little kitten holding desperately to the rope. What is that rope? That rope is my faith in Christ, my hope in his promise to provide for us, my trust that he will send us where he wants us when the time is right. 

For 6 months I haven't posted as a pastor's wife. I've simply been a wife, an expectant mother and now a mother. But, my husband is still a pastor. He's not getting paid to be one right now, but he IS a pastor. It's his gift, it's what he's been called to do. And yet, we still wait. Why are we waiting? Why hasn't God swept us off to a new and exciting ministry? Why are we still living out of boxes and not settling into a new home? Are there lessons to be learned here? Are we supposed to come to some kind of epiphany during this time of waiting? Or, are we simply here to trust Him? To have faith that he will provide? I have no idea. I don't have any answers. I don't know how to be upbeat and optimistic any longer. I don't know how to encourage my husband. I feel my little claws are losing their grip on that rope and soon I'll be falling. 

And yet, I haven't fallen. It seems just when I think my fingernails can't take anymore I'm given more strength. Maybe not enough to actually climb that rope, but enough to keep hanging on. I've been reading Hebrews 11 this past week. It's the chapter on faith, and what is often known as the "Faith Hall of Fame." It talks about Abraham, Abel, Rahab, Noah. People who were asked to do seemingly impossible things but had the faith to do it anyway. God asked Abraham to kill his son Isaac. No explanation was given, and it must have grieved Abraham to even think about killing his son, but he started to obey. When God saw he would obey, He provided a way out for Abraham and provided a ram to sacrifice instead. Noah was asked to build a boat when the land had not experience rain yet. What on earth was a boat needed for? But, he built the ark and God revealed his plan as Noah needed to know it. Abel gave a gift to the Lord out of his own need. God saw his heart in the giving and blessed Abel for it. I see these examples, and I know there are so many more, and I have to wonder, do I have enough faith to be put into Hebrews 11? It tells us that "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I need to be sure of the hope that God has a great ministry/church for my husband to preach in, and I need to be certain that it will happen even though I can't yet see how.

If you think about it, pray for me, pray for us. Pray that I will remember this rope I'm holding onto is hope, that I will remember it's my Father who is giving me the strength to hold on. Please also pray that I will know how to be an encouragement to my husband and show him love during this very dark and low time for him. Thank you.

Weighing, Measuring, Vaccinating and Garfield Band-aids

Cora had her 2 month check-up today--all went well. She is 22 1/2 inches long, weighs 11 lbs. 12 oz. and her head measures at 15 1/2 cm (?). The doctor said she is a healthy, strong little girl! :) YEAH!!! She got 3 shots (which were combinations of 7 different vaccines) and 1 oral vaccine. She did NOT like getting the shots, in fact she screamed so hard she stopped breathing for a second, which I didn't like! I know they're for her own good, but this momma had a hard time hearing her baby scream like that. She looked at me after it was all done with her big, blue eyes, tears streaming down her face and seemed to say, "Why me?" Oh, it was terrible. But! She has survived and is now sleeping contentedly on her daddy's lap. Sigh...She won't need to go back until she's 4 months old, which will be in July!  I know there's a lot of controversy over vaccines, but after growing up in a 3rd world country and seeing what happens to children who AREN'T vaccinated, well, I say vaccinate away!!!

Photos from the Weekend

After the dedication we had a picnic with family and friends. It was a great day to celebrate our little lady!

The Hardins

With Grammy and Grampy

Cora with Mamaw Sue

Cora with Grampy and Grandad

With Grandma

Three generations of Hardins

Four generations of Johnsons

Four generations of Reynolds

Four generations of Russells

First visit with Great-grandma Marie

Dedicated to the Lord

Today we had Cora dedicated to the Lord. We came down to Huntington, WV and had the dedication at Fifth Avenue Baptist Church, where David grew up and where his mom, aunt and grandparents still go. Dedicated to the Lord. What does that mean? Dr. Reasons gave us a letter to give to Cora on the day she becomes a Christian. I'm dying to know what the letter says, but David tells me (and I hate to admit it, but he's right) it's not for us, it's for Cora. Today it became real to me that we are dedicating our daughter to the Lord. We are committing ourselves to bring her up in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. What an awesome task this is! What does it mean to bring her up in the Lord? How do we go about doing this? I don't know entirely. I know a lot of it will be taught through example. I sure hope David and I can be a good example and show her the love of the Lord. I pray that one day in the next few years we will be able to give Cora her letter and read it to her (or she'll read it) and hear what words Dr. Reasons has given to our Cora. Dear Lord, show us how to raise this little girl to be a woman who follows you and lives for you wholly.

She's 8 Weeks Old!

My baby girl is 8 weeks old today! How is it possible?  I know I say that a lot, but I seriously can't believe it! I thought instead of rambling on about my precious little girl I'd just do photos this time. Enjoy! She's a cutie! :)

Throw it All Out the Window!

I have come to realize that the words written in books by experts is a bunch of hogwash. Well, maybe not totally, but well, if you're a mom  you know what I mean. As a new mother during my pregnancy I read the books and made my husband read the books and now they're just collecting dust. Everything I've read about sleep schedules and everything else has not worked for us and from what I can tell other mothers think the same thing. I think it all sounds very nice and it's all good in theory but, well, it's not working for us. I have a child who REFUSES to sleep during the morning, takes naps most of the afternoon and then goes to bed at night and sleeps most of the night, usually only getting up once. So, take that experts! :) 

Isn't She Cute?

She was really fussy yesterday so I brought her up to try to soothe her and she went straight for my nose and started sucking. We died laughing!

7 Weeks and Counting!

Tomorrow Cora will be 7 weeks old! WOW! How is it possible that 7 weeks have already gone by? How is it that my baby is almost 2 months old??? Has it really been 2 months? Apparently so, but it sure doesn't seem like it's been long enough. 

Cora has had an exciting 7 week life so far! She has been on many travels. She's already been to 4 states--MI, OH, WV and now WI. She has met all 

but one of her great-grandparents, 

her 2nd cousins and a 3rd cousin!

She's been passed around and held by countless people, "cheered" for her daddy's Reds and made it through her first major thunderstorm. She's survived her eating woes and is growing by leaps and bounds. She has been sung to, rocked, had countless diapers changed, taken many gas drops, been burped, given pleasure to her mom and dad and loves her "sister" Molly. She has been a very busy little girl!

Every day, it seems, Cora's neck gets stronger and stronger and she's been been able to hold her head up for longer periods of time. This week she's started sleeping longer stretches of time at night giving her parents more sleep--which they greatly appreciate! She is starting to coo, smiles when being talked to and is discovering she has arms and legs that she can move on her own! She's also letting us know when she needs her diaper changed--or at least we're finally figuring out that she's letting us know! Her belly seems to be doing better with her new formula and she is just an overall happy baby. 

David and I are still learning much. We are continually learning what her different cries mean. We've been able to distinguish between "hungry" and "mad." We're working on "tired" and "diaper change." We are enjoying interacting with her and love that she's now responding to our silly antics to get her to smile--tummy poking, singing silly songs, making funny faces, you know, the usual! :) We are adjusting to getting little sleep and learning how to better-communicate with each other now as parents. 

What, oh what, does week 8 hold for Cora? I have no idea, but I'm sure excited to find out!

Long Awaited...

Well, I have had issues getting photos loaded to my blog. Mainly, it's due to the internet service we have at home. So, I'm trying AGAIN since we're somewhere else and the signal seems to be good here. In any case, these are from our travels 2 weeks ago and Cora meeting her extended family. Enjoy!

Uncle Jamie

Great Grandpa Russell

Great Grandpa Johnson

Great Grandma Johnson

Great Grandma Layne

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. Up until today it was a day to celebrate my mom, my grandma's, aunts, sister and friends who are moms. But, it was never a day I really thought of for myself. In fact, the past few Mother's Days have been painful for me. I haven't always been a mom, though I've always WANTED to be one! When David and I got married we decided to wait at least a year before having kids. That didn't last that whole year and we later decided to start trying as we wanted kids sooner than later. However, God had other things in mind. It took, what seemed to us, a long time to get pregnant. Month after month of not being pregnant was painful. Hearing comments from people at church (who I refuse to believe were "well-meaning") such as, "it doesn't take 2 years to make a baby," or "happy Mother's Day even though you're NOT a mother." Those comments hurt. Last year I was at a point where I almost didn't bother going to church on Mother's Day because I just didn't want to deal with the old ladies and their comments. But, I went. I mean, I was the pastor's wife. I had to be there. And, it was painful. I'm thankful for those years of pain. Why? Because it's made me see what many women go through day after day, year after year. Though the few years it took for us to get pregnant were painful, we were lucky. We DID get pregnant and now have a beautiful little girl. I don't understand why it took so long, but it did. However, I'm glad it did so I can understand better the women who can't get pregnant, won't ever be able to hold their own baby. It has allowed me to be more sensitive to a very painful thing a lot of women deal with. Mother's Day is a hard day for so many. We need to be careful what we say to a woman who is married and has been for-gasp-more than 9 months and still doesn't have a baby. You never know if there is secret pain there. 

I'm so happy to be a mom! I've only been one for 6 weeks, unless you count the 10 months Cora was "cooking." Everyday I'm a mom I realize how LITTLE I know. I don't know how my mom did this. How did she raise my sister and I to be good people? How did she raise us to love God and to follow him? When I think of my mom I think "prayer." My mom is a prayer warrior. It is very important to her and nothing is to small to take to the Lord. I remember many times as a child, adolescent, adult, when she told me to "just pray about it. God always answers our prayers (yes, no or wait a while)." How true that is. As a child I would wake many a morning to see my mom sitting in the living room reading her Bible and praying. I would hear her and my dad praying together. Prayer. Such a simple thing, yet so important. I hope I am able to instill in my children the importance of prayer. I know my mom would say it was through prayer and the love of God that she was able to raise my sister and I--oh, and some help from my dad too! :) She would say that without God she wouldn't have been able to do it. I believe her. How many times these past 6 weeks have I already prayed for wisdom to know how to raise Cora? How many more times throughout our children's life will I find myself on my knees praying for guidance and wisdom?  

If you're a mom I applaud you. You have a great responsibility and will be a blessing to your children. If you're not a mom I pray for you. I pray today has not been too painful and I pray you might one day find the joy of holding your child in your arms. But, if not, that God would give you an extra measure of grace to release that pain to him. 

Ode to My Best Friend

I meant to write this earlier today...

Today is my Honey's birthday. David is celebrating 29 years of life and I'm so happy to be celebrating with him. We didn't do much today. With money being tight we've had to be a bit more creative in our gift ideas for each other. But, I made him chocolate chip cookies (at his request using Ghirardelli chips) and we went to Jackson to have lunch. I love my husband and am so glad to be married to him. We were just saying the other day how it's hard to imagine that we've been together for only 4 years (as in when we met, we've been married for 3 yrs). Neither of us can imagine what life was like w/out the other. It's simply amazing!! And, it's been wonderful! Every day I love this man more and more. He's a wonderful husband and wonderful dad. He makes me laugh, challenges me to be a better person, comforts me when I'm sad. He's passionate about life and isn't satisfied with staying just "as is" but strives to be a better person. I love how he knows so much about so many things. We often scratch our heads and wonder how he knows some of the things he does--from movies and music to theology and how to cook meat. In any case, he has proven to be a good source of knowledge for the important and the not-so-important! :) My life has only become better for knowing this man. I thank the Lord every day for him and am especially thankful today, on his birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVID! I love you!

Huntington, Akron and Back Home

Phew! It's been a long time, it seems, since I've slept in my own bed! We've been on the road, taking Cora to visit more of her family. She met her great grandparents on both sides (except my grandma Reynolds), her great aunts and uncles, her 2nd cousins and even her one 3rd cousin! We had fun visiting family, but it's always nice to be back home again and in your own bed! :) We have a busy week ahead of us with doctor appointments, haircuts, oil changes, and getting ready for our next trip to WI where we'll be gone all next week for David's last session of CECL. 

Cora is doing great! Hard to believe she's 5 weeks old. We have had about a week and a half of our new feeding regimen with the addition of formula. It seems to be going well as our little girl is beginning to plump up and fill out! She is so cute!!! :) She'll go to the doctor tomorrow to see how much she's gained. I think the doctor will be pleased with our progress! Her neck is getting stronger as I notice she's able to hold her head up for longer periods of time. She's also becoming more responsive to us when we talk to her, often rewarding us with a smile! That has been the most fun thing for me! 

Pictures to come tomorrow!