Stop Trying!

I am 19 weeks pregnant and feeling so much better!!!!! I am also better from whatever respiratory thing I was sick with 2 weeks ago and well, I haven't felt this good in a long time. My dear husband mentioned the other night he's looking forward to having me back. That made me really sad--for him, for Cora, for me. I guess I didn't realize how "off" I've been since moving, being pregnant, etc. It never ceases to amaze me with all the change and moving in my life (being a missionary kid and all) I still seem to have issues when it comes to change and moving, etc. Will I never learn to just take change gracefully? In any case, I hope I'm back to my normal self, whatever that is! :)

These last several months have been hard. Just plain hard. I have found that everything we went through during our time in MI, especially the last 2-3 years has finally been piling up on me and coming to a head--which is an ugly head. I have been angry, lashing out at my family, sullen, etc. Being newly pregnant (and not being able to take my prozac) didn't help the situation as that just added feeling horrible to the pile. I have finally been able to admit I need counseling. Eek! I just mentioned a very taboo thing, especially in the Christian world, but who cares???? I need help! I need someone (other than my loving husband) to talk to, to get things off my chest, to give me a new perspective on life, to offer suggestions, etc. My husband has been wonderful, but we have talked and talked, and I think we're both too close to the situation. I need an unbiased, fresh set of ears and someone who is trained. I have been resisting for many reasons, mainly the cost. Counseling is expensive, unfortunately. However, God works on our behalf anyway, and he has lead me to a great place that will accept my insurance! For 12 sessions I can talk to this woman (who happens to be a pastor's wife herself!) for free. God is good, no?  I look forward to starting my sessions with her and have been praying, already, that God would use our time together to bring me to total healing and forgiveness.

With all this feeling better and the prospect of being able to talk to someone I have been feeling very convicted to get myself under control as far as being productive on a daily basis. When you feel horrible (for me during the 1st trimester of pregnancy) it's so easy to become lazy. I have become lazy. But, I resolved starting this week things would be different. I am getting up before Cora, getting a shower and having my quiet time with the Lord. This is helping tremendously! I have also set up a chore chart for myself! :) I have found with a toddler it's very easy to allow the caring for her to take over basic household chores that really should get done. I'm not going to give myself stickers (though it's not a horrible idea! :) ) but this will help keep me organized and feel more accomplished when the week is done! With being a SAHM (stay at home mom) I have noticed I find it hard to look back and see what I've been able to accomplish for the week. When I worked at a paid job it was easy to say I had accomplished this and that.

I really do hope and pray all of these things will help me get back to being me and will help me be better than ever. Only with the Lord's help will it happen, but I'm determined to stop trying and just do it!