Who Am I, Continued

Yesterday I posted a music video of the song  "Who Am I?" by Casting Crowns. Today I want to talk about it and why it has come to mean so much to me. Like I mentioned yesterday I have always loved this song, however in light of all I am working through and realizing about myself it has come to mean much more to me. The words are jumping out at me, and it's actually really neat to see how God is speaking to me through this song.

That the Lord of all the earth,

Would care to know my name,

Would care to feel my hurt. 

I'm sure there are many of you (maybe all of you?) wondering how a loving God could let something like abuse (of any kind) happen to a person, especially a child. Trust me, I have wondered the same thing. But you know what? God was not absent in the abuse. See, I believe God gives us a free will, the freedom to make decisions. If he didn't how could he truly be a loving God? If we force a person to love us is it really love? No! Something my counselor pointed out to me was this: my abuser chose to use his free will to hurt me and others. God was not absent, he was there, knowing my name and feeling my hurt. He was there ready to wrap his arms around me and comfort me--at the time, in the years that followed and even now. The Lord of all the earth cared to know my name and cared to feel my hurt. 

Who am I? 

That the eyes that see my sin

Would look on me with love

And watch me rise again.

Because of the sin of another I have chosen to live in some ways that is not pleasing to the Lord. The main thing being anger. I have lived a life so full of anger I have come to a point of hardly knowing how to react to things without it. However, God loves me so much that HE is not satisfied to have me live this way and looks at me with love and helps me to rise above all of the anger. He is helping me see that what happened to me was horrible and though many would say having anger is fine, but I can rise above this and receive HIS love and use HIS love to heal my sin. And, HE'S cheering me on as I rise above all this horridness and take hold of this area of my life that needs to go. He's watching with love as I throw this anger out of my closest and replace it with love. 

Who am I? 

That the voice that calmed the sea,

Would call out through the rain,

And calm the storm in me.

This portion of the song goes along with the one above it. GOD Almighty is calming the storm in me. A storm which has been swelling and raging for 22 years. A storm that needs to pass on by. A storm that is no longer needed in my life. A storm that is being thrown out of my closest so I can replace it with peaceful waters. He has been calling for me through the rain and storm all these years and sometimes I have heard, sometimes I have listened, but finally, I am allowing His voice to calm me and not let the storm toss me about any longer. Just as Jesus calmed the sea for the disciples, who were terrified, he is calming my emotional storm and helping me rest in his quiet waters. 

I am a flower quickly fading,

Here today and gone tomorrow,

A wave tossed in the ocean,

A vapor in the wind.

Still you hear me when I'm calling,

Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,

And you've told me who I am.

I am yours. 

I am all these things--a flower, a wave, a vapor--we all are, actually. All things that last but a moment. And yet, our God above loves me so much that he hears me, he catches me and calls me his own. Just let that truth wash over you. I'm but a blip on the radar and GOD Almighty, creator of heaven and earth loves me so much he is not satisfied for me to just wither, or be tossed about, or disappear in the wind. He wants me to know he hears my cries and wants me to know he catches me. He doesn't want me to go about life not knowing how much he loves me. I have felt often that I was just falling through utter darkness to be caught by no one. But, this wasn't true, isn't true, never will be true. God is there to catch me, and the whole time I'm falling and calling out his name he hears me and is ready to catch me. 

Whom shall I fear

Whom shall I fear

Cause I am yours...

I am yours...

I do not to fear anyone, or anything, any longer. I have let out of my closet the horrendous behavior that was done to me. It no longer has a hold on me. I can see how much the Lord was with me, hearing me, catching me, loving me. I can say with certainty that I no longer need to fear because I am HIS!